Perkataan Berlawanan

 This is a good joke in Bahasa Melayu!

 Murid-murid: Selamat pagi, cikgu.

 CikguMenengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja?
 Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?

 Murid-murid: Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!
 
Cikgu: panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang!
Kata selamat sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna.
 Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi semua masa dan keadaan.
 
 Murid-murid: Selamat sejahtera cikgu!
 
 Cikgu: Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik. Hari
 ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan
 berlawan. Bila cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua
 mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan
 itu, faham?
 
 Murid-murid: Faham, cikgu!
 
 Cikgu: Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.
 
 Murid-murid: (senyap)
 
 Cikgu: Pandai!
 
 Murid-murid: Bodoh!
 
 Cikgu: Tinggi!

 Murid-murid: Rendah! 

Cikgu: Jauh!

 Murid-murid: Dekat! 

 Cikgu: Keadilan!
 
 Murid-murid: UMNO!
 
 Cikgu: Salah!
 
 Murid-murid: Betul!
 
 Cikgu: Bodoh!
 
 Murid-murid: Pandai!
 
 Cikgu: Bukan!
 
 Murid-murid: Ya!
 
 Cikgu: Oh Tuhan!
 
 Murid-murid: Oh Hamba!
 
 Cikgu: Dengar ini!
 
 Murid-murid: Dengar itu!
 
 Cikgu: Diam!
 
Murid-murid: Bising!
 
 Cikgu: Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!
 
 Murid-murid: Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!
 
 Cikgu: Mati aku!
 
 Murid-murid: Hidup kami!
 
 Cikgu: Rotan baru tau!
 
 Murid-murid: Akar lama tak tau!
 
 Cikgu: Malas aku ajar kamu!
 
 Murid-murid: Rajin kami belajar cikgu!
 
 Cikgu: Kamu gila!
 
 Murid-murid: Kami siuman!
 
 Cikgu: Cukup! Cukup!
 
 Murid-murid: Kurang! Kurang!
 
 Cikgu: Sudah! Sudah!
 
 Murid-murid: Belum! Belum!
 
Cikgu: Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?
 
 Murid-murid: Sebab saya seorang pandai!
 
 Cikgu: Oh! Melawan!
 
 Murid-murid: Oh! Mengalah!
 
 Cikgu: Kurang ajar!
 
 Murid-murid: Cukup ajar!
 
Cikgu: Habis aku!
 
Murid-murid: Kekal kami!
 
Cikgu: O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!
 
Murid-murid: K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!
 
 Cikgu: Sudah, bodoh!
 
 Murid-murid: Belum, pandai!
 
 Cikgu: Berdiri!
 
 Murid-murid: Duduk!
 
 Cikgu: Saya kata UMNO salah!
 
 Murid-murid: Kami dengar KeADILan betul!
 
 Cikgu: Bangang kamu ni!
 
 Murid-murid: Cerdik kami tu!
 
 Cikgu: Rosak!
 
Murid-murid: Baik!
 
 Cikgu: Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!
 
 Murid-murid: Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!
 
 Cikgu: (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)
 
 Sebentar kemudian, loceng pun berdering.
 Murid-murid berasa lega kerana guru yang paling
 ditakuti oleh mereka telah keluar. Walau bagaimanapun,
mereka merasa bangga kerana telah dapat menjawab
kesemua soalan cikgu tadi, tetapi esok masih ada

Akta 15

Sepasang kekasih baru yang bekerja sebagai 
pekerjasosial.. Hamid dan Rosni selalu bersama 
walau kemana jua.. Suatu malam ketika mereka 
berdua keluar berdating... 

Hamid : "Kita nak kemana nie?" 

Rosni : "Tak kisah la.. mana-mana pun boleh" 

Hamid : "Apa kata kalau kita ke pantai.." 

Rosni : "Saya ok aje.." 

Apabila sampai dipantai mereka berdua tidak 
keluar dari kereta.. mereka hanya berehat sambil 
berbual-bual didalam kereta.. Mulanya berbual 
biasa..lama-kelamaan.. Hamid meletakkan tangannya 
dipaha Rosni.. nampaknya Rosni tidak 
membantah..Beberapa minit kemudian.. Hamid 
mengerakkan tangannya beberapa inci ke atas... 
Rosni masih tidakmembantah... hinggalah akhirnya 
ketika 
Hamid mengerakkan tangannya beberapa inci lagi.. 
Rosni berkata dengan sopan.."Abang Hamid... 
ingatlah pada akta 15 dalam perlembagaan pekerja 
sosial" 

Setelah mendengarkan teguran Rosni itu.. Hamid 
terus menarik tangannya menjauhi Rosni.. 
walaupun sebenarnya dia tidak berapa ingat isi 
kandungan akta15 itu.. 

Hamid : "Maafkan saya" 

Rosni : "Tak apa" 

Lalu mereka pulang... Di rumah.. Hamid terus 
masuk kebilik dan membuka buku perlembagaan 
pekerja sosial dan mencari akta 15.. lalu dia 
membaca kandungannya... 

"Teruskan Usahamu.. Jangan lakukan Separuh 
Jalan Sahaja"

Stupid Question With The Smart Answer

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand? 
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. 

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! 
BOY : You love me... 

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? 
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? 

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. 
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple 

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. 
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? 

BOY : I love you and I could die for you! 
GIRL : How soon?? 

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! 
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? 

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?? 
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth. 

MAN : You remind me of the sea. 
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? 
MAN : NO, because you make me sick. 

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. 
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, 
Peter? 
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" 
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday". 

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" 
Pupil : "The moon". 
Teacher : "Why?" 
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it". 

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" 
Pupil : "A teacher". 

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?" 
Customer : "What other colors do you have?" 

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. 

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !" 
Sam : "It's a family tradition". 
Teacher : "What do you mean?" 
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". 
Teacher : "What about your mother?" 
Sam : "She's a woman". 

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" 
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated". 

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" 
Student : "Brotherly love". 

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" 
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook". 

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" 
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died". 

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" 
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time." 

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. 
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?" 
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Darn you!!!!

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you
and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me
unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and
shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you
sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any
guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched
for you, but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights
events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for
you...you darn... mosquito!

A Code To Remember

Once upon a time , there lived a happy couple, Mr. 
 & Mrs. Ng with their 3 
lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3 
 daughters were brought up in 
a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, 
they were still virgins. 
 
Years past, and it was time to get them married. 
So, the parents found 
them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got 
married and were preparing 
to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned', 
 Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious 
about their daughters' first-night experience. So, 
before the daughters 
went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told 
them...... "Your father 
& I want to know about your 1st night encounters 
and whether you are 
satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to 
raise your husbands' 
curiosity...you all must use a code-name to 
describe your experiences" 
 
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. 
Mr & Mrs Ng got the 
first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the 
letter and found the word 
STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the 
newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered 
advertisement. Ah! here it 
is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard 
Chartered was...."BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"....Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy. 

A week later, they got another letter. This time it 
was from Ena. The 
content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took 
the newspaper and 
looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is. 
'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy. 
 
Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months 
 passed. There was still no 
letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally, 
 the letter came. It 
was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng 
managed to figure it 
out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng 
 rushed to the nearest 
store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages 
 frantically.... ah! here it 
is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. 
 Before she could finish 
it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair. 
The motto is.........." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".